History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
What personal space?
My dog
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Well, that didn’t work.