They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down