i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood