Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
What the hell happened here.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.