[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod