What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*watches the world burn*
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
(Electricians.)
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex