Pandas 🐼🖤
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P