There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
#growingpains
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?