Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Lassie, get help!
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Don’t touch that.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲