Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds