CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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Well, this certainly took a turn
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
This made me smile…
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.