We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together