*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers