Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee