taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.