How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.