#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.