Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.