Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Put the is in disheveled
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Lmaoo 😂