“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.