[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
You Might Also Like
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
He’s dead
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it