All my small talk is done with a car horn.
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
lmao
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.