Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
the noise i just made
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.