WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Room with a view.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.