we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
car not found
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
titanic
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”