I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.