Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
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Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …