*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works