HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
😂😂
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.