How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time