If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.