My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler