Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.