Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Childbirth is so beautiful
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.