Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I’m not alone. I have ants.