I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…