I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto