If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Why is no one talking about this?!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video