Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”