After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
True freaking story!
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.