Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead