me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I love the honesty
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
We cut our bangs at dawn.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.