If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb