Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
live, laugh, laundry.
Just a phase…
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Happy Caturday!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Finally, a door that understands me
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!