Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.