[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Meanwhile in Canada…
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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