I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
SPLOOT
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off