Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!