Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first