COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
somebody come look at this
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My patience has stretch marks.